Insomnia
I have a lot of trouble sleeping.
The earliest trouble with sleeping I can recall was when I was 7 years old and I watched, helplessly, all night long as my Smurfs alarm clock, a gift from my grandmother, slowly ticked toward dawn. I was not allowed to read at night or to otherwise have lights on; I was left to stare at the ceiling and contemplate my own mortality until the sun began to rise, at which point I could finally fall asleep. I was always tired as a child. No one understood.
This has sadly not changed as I have matured, although there are some patterns I have identified. If I am in fact tired and I stay awake for too long regardless, I will catch a second (or third, or fourth) wind and wind up awake for even longer. If I get too little sleep for too long, I am more prone to anxiety of the variety that can easily spiral into panic attacks. I am most comfortable when I sleep during daylight and stay awake all night, but I am most productive when I head to bed early and awaken before dawn. And most of all, I approach sleep in a way not unlike a prisoner must approach execution, as an uncontrollable force that seeks to cause me harm, that I should resist at all costs.
The rational part of my mind understands that sleep is critical to living a full life. The emotional part of my mind is terrified of it, probably because of all those long, lonely nights as a child spent thinking endlessly about death.
There is a substantial list of things I have tried to improve my sleep hygiene:
- Quitting caffeine
- Quitting nicotine
- Exercise
- Drinking alcohol
- Not drinking alcohol
- Meditating
- Sleeping pills
- Melatonin
- Magnesium
- Sleep masks and ear plugs
- Therapy
- Consistent sleep schedule
- Eating hours and hours before bed
- No napping
- Music
- Podcasts
- Reading
- Screens off for hours before bed
- Bed is only for sleeping and sex
Everything has an effect, some more positive or negative than others (melatonin, for example, promoted even crazier insomnia and amped up my anxiety; cutting out caffeine helped for a month or two, but the benefits tapered off after that).
The most effective treatments have been maintaining a consistent sleep schedule and, weirdly, podcasts. Welcome to Night Vale is absolutely remarkable. I’m interested enough in the ongoing weirdness to want to listen to it in the first place; I don’t actually care enough to keep myself awake to keep listening. It’s the first thing I’ve found in 35 years that can consistently put me to sleep, even if it takes an episode or two — which is still an improvement over staring at the ceiling for hours or staying up till 4 a.m. reading.
These headphones Len gave me for Christmas have also been a godsend. I’m a side sleeper, so standard headphones get in the way and earbuds either slip out or cause intense ear pain. I’m also a light sleeper, and blocking out ambient light is incredibly helpful. I apparently have a teeny-tiny head, and I can barely keep these wrapped around my face — and light still comes in around my nose because they don’t fit particularly well — but they’re comfy and they work well enough that they actually help me fall and stay asleep. Miracle product.
I would really like to be the kind of person who can fall into a dead sleep every night at 10 and awaken fresh and renewed at or before 6 in the morning, but I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. I’m writing this now because it’s 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep — I stupidly took a short nap this afternoon after a poor night’s sleep last night, and now I’m too wired to fall asleep.
I’m always open to trying new things, but it’s frustrating when people suggest — strenuously — things I have tried and failed at before. Meditating in particular gets a lot of press from other people, but meditating does not play super nicely with my ADD and, in general, works better for me when I’m trying to solve specific problems, deal with specific pain, or make rough plans for my future.
I know a lot of people who boast about how little sleep they need to function. I can function fine on 3 hours of sleep or even no sleep at all for up to 3 days, but I can’t imagine boasting about it. It feels like hell. Above all other things, this is what I would most like to change about myself. I fear it’s congenital and I can’t do much but influence it mildly; it will always rear its head anyway.
What do you do when you can’t sleep? Have you ever struggled with long-term sleep deprivation? How do you cope? Hit me up in the comments. I’m always open to new ideas.
Just don’t tell me to meditate or take melatonin.
